In 2010, I heard of lady, a missionary, Heidi Baker, who has living out all I had imagined, in the war torn, famine ridden, orphan-full streets of Mozambique and my heart leapt. She was witnessing miraculous provision, healings and hope birthed in one of the most destitute places in the world, because she and her husband had been willing to give up everything to serve and love on “the least of these.” When I heard she had opened a school (Iris Harvest Schools), I committed in my heart to one day go there and learn.

Well, between 2010 and now, a lot of neat and not neat things have happened that have meant that dream has been left percolating. Neat things - my three children, rebuild and community development work in Vanuatu and the Pacific, two feature films, setting up home in Pikowai…; not neat things - chronic back pain, covid and cancer. As with all of life, there has been the sweet and the bitter intermingled in each season. Sometimes dreams take their time in manifesting. Sometimes it’s the very process of pursuing dreams that prepares, shapes and refines us. I’ve heard it said “between the promise and the palace is the process.” And yet, despite the passing of time, the triumphs and the struggles, the changes and adjustments in direction, that dream of attending an Iris Harvest School, that commitment, has held firm.

On so, as my year of gifted time dawned, after the cancer treatment of 2024, I said to Anton, this is the year we go! No more waiting. No more delays. And on the 13 Oct, we took flight (30+ hours)to this school. Not to Mozambique (horrific terrorist activity near by has made it too risky to run a school there at the moment), but to an Iris Harvest School in Portugal. It’s both entirely rewarding and wonderful and also somewhat heart breaking.

Each day we are hearing stories from wonderful people who have dedicated their lives to bringing good news to the lost, broken, abused, neglected, enslaved and forgotten all around the world, with such beautiful and profound results. I am humbled by their lives, their visions, their commitment, their grace and their love. And frustrated that my childhood hopes have not found fulfillment in the same way theirs have. That they have, somehow, been waylaid.

And so I sit with a challenge that every student here sits with… what is our ‘gifted time’ used for? Not everyone here has had cancer, but every person here has a finite time on earth. Do we use this time to serve ourselves or others? Do we use it to surround ourselves in comfort and convenience or are we motivated by love for the one with less than ourselves? Obviously, with it being a mission school, most people here are motivated by the same thing, which is really fun. But there are also a lot of families here, people like me, who have been waiting a long time to pursue their dream and have yet to live in the fullness of all they’ve felt for their lives.

One of the most impactful teachings I’ve heard so far was about the gap that exists between our reality and our hopes and dreams. How, in this space between reality and hopes, either disappointment or faith can grow, depending on what we cultivate. This hit home. Over the years my dreams have felt so distant from my reality, and there has been the opportunity for disappointment to strangle my hopes and push them further away. Even being here now, I am faced with the challenge of accepting and grieving the disappointment of deferred dreams and the lack of momentum I feel in those areas. But I mustn’t linger here too long, I must also revitalise hope for the future - have faith that, despite the obstacles, the challenges, the limitations, and the disappointments, there are things worth believing for, believing in. Without vision the people perish.

And so, with six weeks left here at the school, I want to grieve the disappointments of the past and find faith for new dreams, new hopes and aspirations to be born. With the limitations of my life (cancer certainly being one of them), I want to relook at the canvas of my life and dream of new colours and hues to accentuate what has already been and bring vitality to what is ahead.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

As I sit with an array of hopes and dreams before me, some still whimsical, some refined by reality... I wonder what are your hopes and dreams? Are there ones that you have given up on? Are there some that still burn as brightly as when you first lit them? What gaps exist between your reality and your hopes? Is that space between filled with disappointment or faith?

Take some time to reflect on your own life aspirations and consider how you might use your time to align your choices in that direction.

It was a big step of faith for our family to journey across the world to fulfill a dream of mine. It has brought both joy and disappointment and I have discovered that dreams in themselves are not and never will be the destination… it is always about the journey and how we position our hearts on the path forward.

Be blessed with courage, love and legacy

Kylie

Over the past few years, I have faced and overcome chronic debilitating back pain and Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. A case load of activity, as described above, would have completely swamped me. I have had such limited capacity, been exhausted and often merely treading water. But it wasn’t until I finished treatment earlier this year and have felt my energy levels return to normal that I realise just how tired, exhausted and below par I was. There were many instances where I have beaten myself up for not being able to participate and contribute. I’d look at other people, their purpose driven lives, and feel a complete lack on my own part. I’d try to try to say yes to things and find that I’d sink. I’d try and maintain a facade of coping and connecting but it was draining. Comparison to other people wasn’t helpful, but it was the comparison to my pre-cancer self that was the real enemy. I would reflect on all I used to be, all I was capable of, the capacity and energy and zest for life that I once carried and feel such a devastating sense of distance from that person. A sense of loss, loss of potential, loss of possibility, loss of worth. And with a good many years imprisoned in a body that was resistant to and tired by life, my heart and mind started believing this washed out version of reality was all that was left for me.

But it’s not. And that is why I am so energised by the long list of purpose-filled activities on my list for this term. Because I have the energy, motivation and capacity to engage with life again! I had come to believe that the ebbed out version of energy I was living with was my forever normal, completely blind to just how much cancer and then treatment were exhausting me and draining reserves. I know people told me to have grace for myself in that season. I know I tried to accept, embrace and even thrive in a season of significant limitations. And I also know that, deep down, there was a part of me that was frustrated and withering. In the cold and in the dark. Yet here I am. Out of winter and into spring. Energised, full of vitality and bursting with new life. And it feels so good!

In the last season, I wrote a post-it note and put it by the mirror in my bathroom so I’d see it every morning.

It reads “spring is inevitable.”

I needed to be reminded of that daily. Even when I felt that my winter was endless, the beauty of life is that spring does eventually burst forth. The longer I live, the more life that flows under the bridge, the more I know this to be true. Our winter seasons can feel like a real test of endurance, of hope, of faith… and then there’s a moment when we notice those first minuscule, tender, fragile buds, those hope-filled heralds of change! This is what I am witnessing now. Spring is inevitable.

A song for winter seasons

Andrew Peterson wrote a stunning song that captures the aching beauty of our hearts desperate desire to be reborn out of our winter seasons… here’s the lyrics of the last verses…

The Rain Keeps Falling - Andrew Peterson

“My daughter and I put the seeds in the dirt

And every day now we’ve been watching the earth

For a sign that this death will give way to a birth

And the rain keeps falling

Down on the soil where the sorrow is laid

And the secret of life is igniting the grave

And I’m dying to live but I’m learning to wait

And the rain is falling”

There were times I’d sit on my bed and cry as these lyrics wrapped around me, acknowledging the real vulnerability of my heart, yet tenderly offering me the hope that death will give way to a birth. All creation testifies to this truth.

When you’re in a winter season, I’d invite you to take a listen to this song and allow hurt and hope to exist in your heart together. Because spring is inevitable.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

A few things caught me as I wrote this blog and I’d like to draw your attention to them for deeper reflection…

• Being “busy” - sometime being busy can be a distraction, a way to avoid deeper emotions; overworking and striving can be about performance and a drive for validation; busyness can be a barrier to connection, reflection and rest or a buffer to shield us from other uncertainties. And other times being busy can be a reflection of being passion and purpose fuelled. On the outside, a full calendar can look the same but have very different motivations and implications. We need to know if our being busy is life-giving or draining us. Take a look at your calendar today and reflect on what activities are helping or hindering you to thrive in life. Adjust where necessary.

• Comparison - as humans we always seem to be on alert as to how we compare to others, how we compare to our vision of ourselves, how we compare to societal norms or expectations, how we compare to our expectations of ourselves … the list goes on. Comparison doesn’t usually bring joy. Contentedness does. Being content is about finding peace, security and worth despite what’s going on in our world and the world around us. How do we learn to be content in our current circumstance? Take time to notice what unhelpful comparisons you are making of yourself at the moment. Would you release yourself of them today?

• Winter - when we’re in a tough season our instinct is to get out of it as fast as possible. We can create a lot of stress and tension for ourselves by trying to fight the circumstances we find ourselves in. Yet in nature we notice that often it is winter, it is pressure, it is cold, it is hardship, it is fire that produces the ingredients for beautiful things to birth forth. Consider today, how might you embrace the dark months and the internal growth, change and transformation that occurs during those times more gracefully? How might you cling to the hope of spring while allowing the regenerative rain to fall?

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

Once we clambered along the side of a busy highway and got beyond the disgusting amount of trash carelessly flung from passing cars, we found ourselves surrounded by moss damp, sun-flickering shadows, under the canopy of ancient forests. There was an initiation of freezing feet as we entered this hidden world through icy fresh flowing rapids. And then silence. Stillness. Serenity.

No phones. No notifications. No excess noise vying for our attention.

A barely used pest control track meandered alongside the river; little orange ties hanging limply from trunks were really the only flags we were on the right route. This meant scrambling over, around and sometimes under logs and feeling like intrepid adventurers entering time untouched. Bright blood red mushrooms warned us not to tamper. Feathered fingers of delicate ferns invited a breezy brush. Sun streams and waterfalls drew our eyes skyward in marvel. Awe. Wonder.

No wi-fi. No likes. No bright neon lights dimming our senses.

When we arrived at the canyon, tall hard walls of limestone dwarfed us, contained us, challenged us. To climb. Upward. Evidence of rock climbing in years gone by; little metal pegs and pins on sheer ascents. Then back to what’s in reach, splashing turns to swimming; stick throwing turns to leaf boat races. The pure fun of unpretentious play. Childlike. In nature.

This day encapsulates something that is of growing importance for me, for our family, for this generation. Time outdoors. Time spent in authentic connection. Time spent in motion, in the moment, in meandering; no rush, no destination, no distractions. Just togetherness.

When I read the saddening statistics of the anxiety, depression, and hopelessness plaguing the younger generations, my heart yearns for their freedom. Excessive screen time leads to excessive disconnection. Shallow relationships counted by followers not friends leads to fragile facades, easily fractured. Our throw away consumer culture, chews up all that is of value and ditches our hopes and hearts by the wayside. Despite all that we have gone through as a family over the last few years, I’m grateful that my own children are not tightly tethered to technology and have, instead, known a childhood of freedom, of discovery, of adventure, nature, connection, realness.

In this gifted time, Anton and I want to make a difference. To live life’s of purpose. So another one of my missions in this season is to produce a webseries called “Kids Unplugged” - a series that champions children who choose the wild over wi-fi. It is our hope to share stories of positive role models for families to aspire to. We’ll show that thriving childhoods don’t happen behind screens — they happen outside, unplugged, and together. We're aiming to film our first series this winter - five episodes starting in the Bay of Plenty (& then hopefully beyond). To make it happen we do need financial support for the production costs and have set up a crowd funding campaign (which is already 50% of the way there!). The more we raise, the more we can do — and the less we carry personally as a family to make this happen. If you’d believe children need “more airtime and less screentime”; to rediscover a play-based childhood, we’d absolutely love your support in getting our vision of Kids Unplugged off the ground. Here’s a link for more information. And please feel free to share it with others, the more people behind it, the greater impact we can have.

And it’s not just our children who need this. Technology has taken over so much of our adult lives. But it's not really what we yearn for is it? If we take a moment to connect with our feelings rather than our phones, we’d soon realise we are desperately craving something authentic, real and wholly satisfying. And that which we seek will never be found in the quick fix of a scroll, it’s more likely discovered in a gentle unplugged stroll.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

I’m thankful for the days when we carve out time for what’s most important in life. There are so many things vying for our attention, but distraction is a great deception. It’s easy to get lost and overwhelmed by the daily demands. So take time this week to plan doing something different, something intentional, something memorable that you can enjoy with your loved ones. Be purposeful about choosing enriching, soul-nourishing moments. We are all living in gifted time. Let’s make more space for awe and wonder.

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

I don’t think I had fully appreciate how debilitated I was, until, recently. A few weeks after finishing treatment, I was running around on the grass, playing football with my youngest son, Ezra. It suddenly dawned on me - I had been running around for over half an hour! No problem. An abundance of laughter and fun. No strenuous puffing. No tagging out because I was knackered. In fact, over the last two years, I would never have even attempted kicking a ball around. I just hadn’t realise how restricted my life had become.

Now that I can run around, I’m racing to fill in as much fit time as I can! I know how important a healthy, strong body is for the journey ahead. I also know what it is to have one that keeps throwing curve balls at me. Before cancer, I was crippled by chronic back pain for ten years. But I beat that too and climbed a mountain to prove it.

So what does one do with gifted time, when you find yourself able to run (or a least jog) again? As one who never seems to settle for simple, I’ve taken up Taekwondo! Anton, Malachi and Judah all graduated to black belts last year, and Ezra is not far behind, a green belt at seven years old. For the last seven years, every Monday and Thursday evening, they have headed out the door together, and I have stayed behind because I have a body that would break.

Now on Monday and Thursday nights, I step out the door with them. And my body has not broken yet. Our Master Tama (& Anton, our instructor) serve up an intense regime: we warm up with army-like drills, then there’s power punching and kicking, patterns are practiced with precision with regular push ups (on knuckles) and sit-ups (optional legs vertical in the air) are routinely imposed for the smallest of missteps. Everything aches and burns. Sweat drips off any adult game enough to try.

We have a booming club with members ranging from 4yrs old to 51yrs. There are six adult students who are crazy enough to crunch with the kids. And it’s fantastic. I started with trepidation, wondering how my body would respond to the drills, the reverberations from punching the pads, the body contortions required to accurately block and kick. It’s a no contact sport during practice, so I won’t be fighting any time soon (or probably ever), but it’s great for fitness, balance, muscle memory, strength and core. I’m feeling so physically invigorated, capable and challenged for the first time in years. It is both humbling and healing.

My favourite part though? Doing it with our family. Every time I sprint or jump or burpee beside one of my boys, my heart glows. My boys and my husband are generous with their smiles and their encouragement. They’ve walked alongside me when I was weak. Now they celebrate this victory over a broken body with me.

Anton inspired me when he became a black belt at fifty. He runs hills (every day), he ice baths (every morning), he stretches (every night). He says he’s just trying to be as fit and healthy as my dad (who, until recently, was still training for and competing in IronMan in his mid-60’s). I also believe Anton’s deliberately keeping himself strong for me. And I’m thankful.

Now I want to be strong again. I want to be in the best shape I can be. I want to rise again after the last punch and kick back. I want the devil to know that I may be hard pressed on every side, but I am not crushed; life may be uncertain, but I will not despair; I might have been struck down, but I have not been destroyed. I will rise again. Every time. With courage, with love and with legacy in my heart.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

Physical health is important. It is often taken for granted and under-appreciated. We value it all the more when it is periodically or indefinitely impacted. You don’t have to join a Taekwondo club to stay fit and healthy, but I highly recommend tending to your body. It’s a worthy part of your being and a wonderful gift.

• Pause for a beat. Breathe. Connect with your being. Pay attention to your energy levels; take a breath; what is your body communicating to you in this moment? What does it need from you today?

• What does caring for, nurturing, strengthening your body look like for you?

• What is a physical activity you could do today to feel fully alive, invigorated, fit and healthy?

In this season of gifted time I am choosing to care for my body, by walking, by dancing, by stretching, by strengthening, by taekwondo training. By believing I can bounce back. And so can you.

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

One of the goals I’m motivated this year is to publish a small devotional book, maybe two, all going well. These books are born out of the pain and purpose I journeyed through last year. They share the musings, meditations, scriptures, prayers, and reflections with which Jesus led me out of a dark, desolate place to this place of hope, healing, nourishment and inspiration.

The gift of life…

As an Easter gift, I’d like to share with you one of the personal reflections from my manuscript (a sneak peak if you like) …

“In 2024, I began a treatment regimen to target and destroy the cancer that was overwhelming my blood. My first infusion was days before Easter and I found this both significant and profound:

My blood was tainted with a destructive disease, and I needed an infusion of healing. An infusion designed to cleanse me, give me life, and bring me hope.

It felt metaphorical of our human condition.

Humanity is tainted by a destructive disease, that divides us, severs relationships, hurts and hinders us. We ache at the brokenness that surrounds us; we all need a healing infusion. To cleanse us, give us life, and bring us hope.

And so, last year, as we journeyed through that Easter, remembering Jesus’ death and resurrection, I felt an overwhelming desire for an infusion from Him. Of His life. His love. An exchange of all that was polluted in me, for all that is perfect in Him.

When I look at the word and definition of ‘infuse’ my mind will always go to that chair in the hospital where I had my infusions. The place of exchange. The place of my body’s restoration, revival, renewal. The treatment was designed to permeate my whole being, delivering healing throughout my body, filling me with something that would put an end to the deadly disease within.

And this image echoes the fullness of what Jesus offers us. Would we sit with Him in the place of exchange? In the place of healing, redemption, restoration? Would we invite Him to permeate our whole being; to affect health throughout our body, minds, and spirits; to pour in His mercy, grace, love, peace; to fill us with His light that will put all darkness to flight?

This is what it means to get our life from Jesus. To have a direct line that continually infills us with Him.”

For me, this musing of mine captures the essence of what we celebrate at Easter. The gift of life we receive through Jesus. He has been my very real lifeline through an incredibly difficult season. And my heart beats with gratitude to Him.

I understand not everyone reading these blogs put their faith in Jesus. Thank you for allowing me to share something very precious, vital and vulnerable with you. In many ways, this is what it means to live in “gifted time” - to live without taking a single breath for granted, to pursue purpose wholeheartedly and to allow courage to shape the time we’re given.

Another little gift…

Speaking of gifts: here’s another little something I’d like to leave you with today…
Andrew Peterson is a favorite musician (& author) of mine. At this time of year, I enjoy listening to his “Resurrection Letters” albums … if you’re seeking a few songs to soak in or discover the message of Easter this weekend, I’d highly recommend these …

Enjoy my friends!

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

During this celebration of redeemed and renewed life, take time to acknowledge both sorrow and celebration, uncertainty and hope, loss and love.

• Consider areas of your life that need an infusion of hope, love, care, peace, grace. Would you place them in the hands of a loving Father to breathe life on?

• What gifts of life and love have you received, that you are deeply grateful for? Offer thankfulness as your response.

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

Yesterday, at 9.32am, sitting outside a shopping center in my car, I hurridly ate my tasty takeaway museli and unceremoniously swallowed my last four pills (because I thought I had another days dose to go!).

Today, after a phone call from my nurse informing me my treatment had finished, no medicine accompanied my breakfast.

Last year, the beginning of my treatment was filled with apprehension, of being overwhelmed by medical risks and procedures, tests and new terminology. The completion of my treatment was heralded by no more than the clatter of my teaspoon in my empty museli bowl.

And yet, despite such a small, simple shift in daily routine, this feels so significant. Monumental even.

I have crossed an invisible threshold from being a cancer patient to being cancer free. I have also stepped from time on hold to gifted time.

Today is a gift, because without treatment, I’m not sure I would have survived another year. Tomorrow is a gift. Next month is a gift. So is next year. It’s phenomenal really. I’m in awe.

Today, I unwrapped this indescribly precious present. I breathed it in deeply. And my heart burst with gratitude.

I am grateful to God, my protector, my life blood, my hope and healer. I am grateful to all those who have lovingly walked beside me, every day or just for a minute. I’m thankful for both the dedicated and intermittent prayers of all those who have believed for my healing and health. I am grateful that my heart continues to beat. For the life giving breath I deeply inhale. For still being here to love and laugh and live.

Tomorrow, I will wake to a dawn full of possibility and potential. For the first time in years, I’m excited about what the future might hold. It has not been easy having plans on pause for so long. I have so many hopes and dreams. Sometimes I don’t know what to focus on first. What I do know is that my DNA demands a purpose driven life. Every fibre of my being wants to squeeze the most out of this gifted time I’ve been blessed with.

Truth be told, mixed in with this eager anticipation, there yet lingers an underlying hesitancy. Although treatment-free, I’m still on this trial for the next 5 years, which means every three months I’ll be back for monitoring - blood tests, specialist appointments, CT scans and possible future bone marrow biospys. It means I’m going to be really well looked after (yay!) and also means that my life will be strung out into 3-monthly intervals, always facing the nagging uncertainty of what my blood tests might show since, medically, the leukemia is expected to return at some stage, be it one year or ten (let’s pray it’s ten).

But knowing this motivates me all the more to treasure the time I do have. I don’t sit with a comfortable confidence of continued health and reaching old age. I cannot afford the luxury of postponing hopes and dreams until a later date. I live for the present, pursuing and cherishing moments that matter. And I think this perspective is a gift: not taking time for granted, but embracing the fragility of it and finding beauty there. By nature we humans are both incredibly strong, yet simultaneously vulnerable. In this tension, between our perservering endurance and our fleeting impermanence, hopes, dreams and aspirations can be fully ignited. When we no longer slip into complacency but embrace the precarious position of living life permanently on the edge of eternity. Here faith, hope and love abound.

And so with great anticipation, this chapter known as “Treatement Trial V&O” is closed and I begin a new season entitled “Gifted Time.” Here’s to unwrapping it’s layers with you.

With Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)'

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(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)'

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)'

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)

Subscribe now

(PS Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who chose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. To become a valued supporter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time…)

Subscribe now

I received this news just as my family and I were heading off for a wonderful adventure in a remote area of the Coromandel, exploring a friends huge tract of native bush. In hearty 4WD territory, we bumped up hill and down dale to reach their humble off-grid abode. We lunched with views out over the vast ocean, fully satisfied by the goodness and richness of life. On foot, we then meandered for miles along rugged roads and tree shaded trails to discover a secluded sun-kissed bay where we could swim, fish, relax and explore. We savoured time together, healing, hope, life.

I couldn’t have imagined a better way to celebrate my results and the closure of 2024. It was a very special, gorgeous and stunning day and one that will forever be seered into my heart and memory.

The Sunsets On 2024

For me, 2024, my year of treatment, has been a significant year of learning to grow in the wilderness. Of drawing strength from deep wells despite the arid environment. I have walked through valleys of apprehension, depression, anxiety and fear. Yet on that dark road I have firmly cemented where my confidence is rooted, where my hope comes from. 2024 has been intense and profound and I think, at it’s conclusion, my internal condition, my wairua, can be summed up by this verse…

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

As I soak in the sunset of this year of treatment, I’d like to thank you all for the incredible support, prayers and encouragement Anton and I and our family have received this year. Many times I know we’ve been carried on and sustained by the flow of aroha (love) directed our way.

Borrowed Time

While CLL is considered medically incurable and predicted to return at some stage in the future, I am now blessed with “borrowed time” and look forward to continuing to share my journey with you as I live with purpose and appreciation of every valuable and precious minute I have been gifted.

2025 is a year dawning with the promise of health and hope. For me, it will be a year of restoration. Of living in the fullness of being cancer free. There’s lots of great things we are readying for as a family in this coming year and I intend to extract every drop of goodness out of this next season.

A toast to the dawn of 2025

New Years Eve is a time to reflect on both the road we’ve travelled and also look to the horizon with anticipation of what comes ahead. I’m excited about what 2025 has in store and am grateful to be here to celebrate the dawn of a new year with you.

Bless you all with ample helpings of courage, love and legacy for your 2025.

Kylie

already and for my NZ community, this will give fresh insight into life on a clinical trial.

The short videos are packed with personal stories and reflection of the highs and lows over the last 10 months of treatment and are relevant to anyone who is on or supporting someone through a health journey. I hope you enjoy watching them and that they bless you with courage, love and legacy.

In this first video you can join me for breakfast as I talk about "What is it like to be on a clinical trial?" We'll discuss the benefits, the challenges, the monitoring and care that comes with this type of treatment.

Update?

For those wondering about my bone marrow biopsy & results, a brief update: I had the biopsy on the 9th Dec (which went very smoothly) and am still waiting on the results of this. When I get the news, I will update you all too. In the meantime, thank you for your prayers; I’m content in the waiting.

Listen on Apple | Get Parents We've Met on Apple Podcasts

Listen on rova | Find Parents We've Met on rova

It was such a privilege to be invited to share my journey of diagnosis, parenting and Courage, Love and Legacy on the “Parents We’ve Met” podcast. Parenting Place is all about helping build confident parents so that children feel deeply loved. I’ve been friends with Dayna, one of the hosts, since we were teens and I love everything she stands for. When she asked if I was interested in sharing my story with her, I had no hesitation in saying “yes.” There are so many parents who find themselves suddenly diagnosed with cancer and forced to navigate such unexpected and challenging circumstances, so it’s an honor to extend my hand to them, offering a piece of the hope I hold.

This is a raw, real and precious conversation that hopefully reminds us to take time to reflect on what’s important, what values we want our families to be known for and how we want to be remembered.

Despite the franticness of this festive season, I’d encourage you to take a little time to sit with this podcast (& maybe some tissues handy) and use it as an inspiration to, if needed, adjust your priorities so that you’re saying “yes” to what’s most important to you and your family this Christmas.

Be blessed & Merry Christmas; may your days be filled with fun and fellowship with your friends and whānau (family).

Kylie

For 2024, here’s some of what I am so very thankful for...

Treatment

• For treatment, full stop.  In some countries, I’d be dead by now.

• For a clinical trial, with drugs I wouldn’t have access to otherwise, being available just when I needed it.

• For my nurse who is so kind, attentive and considerate.

• For my doctor who takes time to answer all my questions, of which there are many!

• For treatment drugs that have had but a few side effects and still allow me to function in normal life.

• For a very smooth start to treatment with none of the serious risks.

• For free access to a psychologist when I desperately needed one.

• For people persistently advocating for better treatment options in New Zealand.

• For my restored health! 

Care & Connection

• For all the support and inspiration I get from my husband to look after myself. To sleep, to eat well, to play, to retreat.  For all he does to hold up our family when I am weak.

• For the childish faith and contentment of my children.  Despite all the cracks I see in the foundations of this world, all is well in their world.  This gives me hope.

• For loving parents and parents-in-laws who feel this journey deeply too.

• For the genuine check-ins and touch points from the bros.

• For friends and community that load us up with generous helpings of aroha (love), prayers and nourishing food.

• For each text or call from near or far that offers heartfelt care, hugs, promises, encouragement and love.

• For the wonderful people who have come around our boys to sow into their lives through friendship, fun, work and mentoring opportunities.  I am so grateful for a community raising my children.

Thriving in Life

• For getting up on my skis this year and racing down the mountain with my boys.

• For our family’s fervent dancing at Anton’s big birthday, celebrated at womad.

• For time with my Grandma, and other older people, capturing their Recollections, their stories; it is such an honor to sit with someone and hear their life legacy.

• For moments of special connection, heart to heart, with precious people.

• For my blog and vlog (which recently won an award!) and all the opportunities to encourage others through my story.  I am so grateful for people’s precious and powerful responses to what I share.

• For God providing our daily bread.  Being sick takes it’s toll on finances, yet our basic needs are always met.

• For music, praise & worship. On my worst days, their soothing sounds lift me off the floor.

• For a marriage of almost 20 years... for living life with Anton through all the seasons!

• For wonderful children, who are growing into great young men.

Growing Great Things

Although diagnosed with cancer, what I choose to live with is Courage, Love and Legacy. I think gratefulness is a legacy that can be sown, even in the harshest winter seasons. It’s one of those seeds that can still sprout and grow even in the hardest, driest, rockiest of soils. And when it’s in blossom it stands out, especially in an arid environment. People are drawn to it because they wonder how it came to be there. They can’t help but smile at it, because there’s an alluring beauty to be found in the bright boldness that declares “there is great things at work and I am not going to be dragged down!” As crazy as it can sound, sometimes I’m even thankful for my diagnosis because of the precious perspectives on life and love and priorities it has gifted me.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

As this year draws to a close, turn your thoughts back over the last 12 months.  

• What has been good?

• What has brought life?

• What blessings have you experienced?

• Where did you discover delightful surprises? 

Make your own list of all that you are grateful for.  As you do, feel your spirit lift and life sparkle.

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

Over the last few weeks, as the clock has ticked down to this appointment, I have felt apprehension building.  I recognise it more acutely this time, because, for a short blessed period, the dread was been almost absent; I have enjoyed a time of respite, of living free from that little voice of uncertainty scratching incessantly under my skin. 

The Wrestle

But it came back with a roar.  Literally, one day recently, I was having an afternoon nap when I was woken by an urgent, aggressive roaring in my ear as I was simultaneously jolted by something electric smashing into my stomach.  Fear.  Belting out violent threats of death and destruction.  I’m familiar with it’s unrelentingly cruel hard stare, it’s hideous life draining presence. Since it slammed into my world, unwelcome and uninvited, I’ve felt like my mental well-being has been locked in a feisty wrestle.  

On one side, peace, my valued champion has been fighting hard to hold ground, while on the other side fear leans in, merciless and menacing, straining heavily down, aiming to gain another inch.  It’s been a weighty few weeks as this wrestle has played out in my thought life each day.

Over the last two years of this cancer journey, I’ve talked to other people who experience this wrestle with scanxiety.  Some hold their ground, while others become overwhelmed by anxious thoughts, plagued by fear, held captive by concern.  I’ve been there too and it’s a miserable existence.  Not just for me, but for my whole family.  When the vortex of despair threatens, it sucks in anything and anyone in close proximity.  My husband and children start feeling the thrashing flicks of fire that whip out unexpectedly.  My short, taunt responses.  My lackluster energy.  My simmering angst.  With life stunted already, I cannot afford to let apprehension or fear steal any more of my time from me or my family.

Determined to Thrive

As I can’t do anything about the external threat I face, my only option is to focus on the battleground over my internal well-being.  And this time I’m consciously determined to find ways to thrive, to live in joy, hope and freedom despite the circumstances I face.  I believe it is possible to abide in peace even while surrounded by the most raging, wild, catastrophic storm.  I’m sure you’re familiar with stories of people who face terrible atrocities and circumstances yet their internal reality looks exceedingly different from their external reality.  Our history books are full of them.  Theirs are the stories of courage, resilience and overcoming that we write books and make movies about.  I’m currently reading one by an inspirational guy, Nick Vujicic, who was born without arms or legs, yet has and shares an absolute passion for life.  Although he cannot walk, he stands strong with astounding and infectious courage and positivity.

As I walk towards my verdict appointment, I’m finding ways to tend to the health of my heart, to stand in courage and walk in peace.  I’d like to share a few of them, so that when you too find yourself surrounded by a world of potential dread and despair, you have some bread crumbs to follow...

Incline my ear

This morning I wrote the word “fear” in the sand.  Determined to face it, then erase it. I noticed that fear contains the word “ear” and realised that fear comes from where we face our ear.  If we give our ear to the thoughts of anxiety, worry, concern, doubt, harm, hurts, uncertainty, darkness, then we give fear a captive audience.  If we incline our ear to hope, to “hear” thoughts of life, health, goodness, blessing, wholeness, thankfulness, gratitude, rest, then we will walk in peace.  When we face a dark valley full of fears, we have two choices aye? Get caught up in the deep darkness, or seek out the light. I want to always be known as a light seeker. I’ve made a list of promises that bring my heart hope and choose to repeat them over myself, until my internal reality lines up with the hope I want to experience. 

Relieving stress points

Being in touch with my feelings of vulnerability and apprehension means I’ve been able to communicate them to close friends and family and ask for their prayers and support.  It’s a way to release some of the pressure that’s building.  For example, I’m likely to get my bone marrow biopsy results about a week before Christmas.  I’ve already identified that’s likely to be a week full of high emotion for me and asked my husband to step into family conversations around Christmas logistics and food, knowing I might be a bit on edge.  Relieving stress points is key to walking in peace.

A horizon of hope

Summer is bursting in New Zealand and with it come the summer holidays.  I’ve tried to be intentional about putting things in the calendar that I can look forward to. Having activities on the horizon that inspire hope and joy keeps my head held high with anticipation rather than apprehension.

Sleeping

I find in times of stress, my body’s natural response is to sleep.  I know for some people stress keeps them awake at night, but for me, I genuinely need more sleep.  Even afternoon naps.  Not every day can I sneak away for an extra kip, but when I can, I do. Anton is really supportive in the late afternoons or weekends, making space for me to slip away to catch some zzz’s.   Sleep gives me a mental break from the constant environmental scanning for threats.  Sleep is restorative and healing.  Sleep says, I value myself, I value rest.

Firm foundation

This week, I have sought out every Bible verse that declares “do not fear”, alternatively translated “do not yield to fear” or “do not surrender to fear.”  Each time someone is encouraged not to fear, it is coupled with a powerful promise from God. 

“I will not leave you, I am with you, I hear you, I will help you, I will protect you, I will save you, I will fight for you, I will go ahead of you, I will remove your burden, I have called you by name, you are chosen.” 

Knowing I am not alone, that I am loved, that I am upheld, provides me with strength, courage and a firm foundation plant my feet on. 

Pursue Peace

And you know what? Although fear stomps around the perimeter, yelling threats and trying to make a scene, with my heart firming fixed on pursuing peace, I can honestly say all is well; I’m ready to head into those tests. Please continue to pray for me and for amazing results from this treatment, your care means a lot!

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

The opposite of courage is discourage.  For courage to disappear, to run out on us, leaving us afraid and vulnerable.  When we face external threats we need to be infused with courage, encouraged, to prevent being overwhelmed.  My hope is that my musings encourage you today.  If I can face this desperate journey, with peace, hope and even joy, if I can discover contentment on the edge of eternity, you too can discover internal well-being regardless of what fears you must face.

• Do my descriptions of the threat of being overwhelmed by fear and apprehension ring true for / resonate with you?  Have you ever found yourself in that raging wrestle for peace?  What did if feel like for you?

• How do you usually respond to external threats?

• What truths have you found that help you build up your internal strength, courage and resilience?

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

When we think of independence we think of freedom, choice, going places, having control of our own destinies, self-determination, individualism, capability and competence, strength. Dependence is perceived as almost the complete opposite of these.

But not so in all cultures. I used to run strengths based workshops with people from the Pacific and when we were going through a bank of strength/weakness types of words, they would deviate from my preconceived ideas and definitions of ”independence” and “dependence”. Dependence was always placed in the strengths; independence in the weakness boxes.

And so I’d unpack it with them, and discover a beautiful perspective that challenged my own cultural values. Independence meant isolation from the community, forging your own way at the expense of family and friends. Dependence meant you would lean on each other for support and care, it meant you had connection and fellowship. Completely counter-cultural to our western understanding.

Independence as we know it…

I’ve been having a reflection time on independence and dependence over the last months as my children grow into teenagers and start madly flapping their wings, preparing their bodies, minds and spirits to take flight. As a parent, it’s an emotional time. There is great pride in their growing confidence, skills, and perspectives. There is also a shadow feeling of loosing them, of abandonment, of loss and sadness.

I’ve felt this acutely as I’ve spent the winter months up the mountain with them. I have been excited that my treatment has been working and I’ve had the energy for days of adventure and skiing and that I’m able to participate with them in something that they love. Yet, I’m much slower and far less adventurous than they are. And so, most of my day is spent with my youngest son (who is also faster than me), while I scan the slopes to see my two eldest flying freely. As they lap me time and time again, I might be lucky enough to catch them doing a spectacular jump as I head up the tow bar and I’ll wave and cheer hoping they feel their mum’s celebration. Internally, I hope, just one time they might wait for me, but they’re in their own world, so lunch time, when their hungry tummies are crying out for fuel, is about the only time they feel the need to check in. They’re in their zone. They are independent, free and capable. They’re loving it. They know I’m close by, and that’s enough. (and just because I can - just look at them fly!)

And because I love them, I’ve tried not to get resentful, offended or feel neglected. These are shadow feelings that I don’t want to give too much power to. Because we celebrate independence. So why does it feel a little bit sad?

Because then there’s the mornings when they all choose to come snuggle in bed. Sometimes in the weekdays, and almost certainly in the weekends. Uninhibited, tender connection time. No matter how big they’re getting, we can always fit with a bit of wiggling and kicking to get comfy. One on each side of me, the other close enough my hand can stretch out and stoke their hair or sit comfortably on their shoulder. While they yearn for independence, there is still that feeling of wanting to come in close, to be dependent, to find attention, affirmation and warmth. And I treasure these moments so much! I treasure it with my kids. I treasure it when I visit my own mum and can still go hop into her bed with a cuppa for a catch-up before the day runs away.

We have this tension in our hearts between wanting our independence from others yet needing to be dependent on each other for love and community. It happens when we’re young, it happens when we’re old, it happens when we’re sick, when we’re well, when we’re rich, when we’re poor.

Upside down, inside out and backwards

And I wonder if we’ve got our priorities upside down? If our understanding of independence vs dependence is weighted too heavily in favour of freedom over connection? Do we need to turn our priorities inside out and backwards to really see clearly?

In worship the other day, I was bringing my heart before my heavenly Father and He reflected my own parental heart back to me. He showed me how we are like my kids out on the mountain having fun, doing our thing, being in the zone, only checking in with Him when we need something. And He watches, cheering us on, but man, He’d love for us to ride with Him more often. To do life together. Even if it means we need to slow down a bit, it’d be way more fun. He loves those, often fleeting moments, when we snuggle in close and share heart to heart. He longs to abide in that place way more often. His door is always open. He loves when we are dependent on Him, yet most of our lives, in pursuit of independence, gets in the way. With our relationship with Him. With our relationships with each other.

As we had this conversation, I got a distinct impression that maturity might not be becoming more independent, but might be more about deepening dependency. I recently heard a saying “at the end of the day, we’re all just walking each other home.” Walking together on this journey home, is a journey of dependency, is it not?

As I’ve sat with other people with cancer, as I’ve sat with people who are aging, I see this so clearly. We can’t do this stuff alone. We need to relinquish our need for independence and learn how to lean on each other. I’ve had to learn this over the last few years as my health has let me down. And even as I write that sentence, I wonder, has my health let me down or has my ill health helped me grow stronger because dependency is a strength? Has it helped me learn to appreciate and lean into dependency? Has it in fact given me more freedom? The freedom to trust, to let go of inhibitions and barriers, the freedom to be know and be known, the freedom to see and be seen. The freedom to receive and give love.

Vulnerably Upheld

I have a friend who is on palliative care journey, and the other day I watched him walk out of church, upheld by two friends, holding his hands, taking his weight. It was so intimate and profoundly beautiful. Inspiring. Holy.

It’s a vulnerable place, being dependent. It takes openness, it takes humility, and it often takes brokenness. Yet I wonder, do we have to be broken down by sickness, aging, trauma or something devastating to become dependent? Is there a way we can deepen dependency, humility, vulnerability and connection because it’s something we value? Are we willing to relinquish our tight grasp on our claim to independence in order to hold hands with our friends, even when we don’t need their aid and support?

Rather than seeing strength as independent fame and fortune, can we shift the frame to see strength as walking together, arms and hearts linked with vulnerability, laughter and love?

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

I still have a long way to grow in the area of dependence. I have 42yrs of listening to to the raucous megaphone of culture telling me my wants, my rights, my truth, my purpose, my platform is the priority. There is a lot of re-framing to do here. The first step is awareness, naming this tension and then a daily willingness to critique and adjust my perceptions, values and behaviours, to tune them into a frequency of dependency. I want to grow in my willingness to vulnerably upheld, by both God and people. We were created for relationship after all.

This could be an offensively counter-cultural message I’ve written today … yet hopefully, in it, something tugs at your heart, a quiet truth that yearns to be heard.

• Take time to explore your own thoughts, feelings, mindsets and beliefs toward those two words: “independence” and “dependence.”

• How do you think you’d face situations in your life where you may need to be dependent? What feelings and responses come up? What fears? Will they help or hinder you when that time comes?

• What would it cost you to loose your independence? What could you gain?

• Take time to notice, name and challenge your own perceptions, is there anything you need to adjust to walk in the greater freedom dependency offers?