#6 The Dreaded Re-entry
We get given the news. We take it home with us. Holding it tentatively; tightly. Least it bites. We shy away from the world. For a bit. But then we are forced out.
And we’re unsure of the dreaded re-entry. The world feels big, daunting and a little less friendly than it did a few days earlier.
My big day back out into the world was also my youngest sons first day of school! To be honest, I was still in shock and denial, so it didn't quite dawn on me that I was not ready to be greeted by a hundred smiling friendly faces.
First Day of School
I was just focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and then the next one and then the next. Keeping routine, keeping normal. And normal told me it was my sons first day at school and I should be excited and happily walk him to his class room and settle him in and sit with him until he was ready for me to say goodbye. So that's what I was doing that Monday morning. Taking my baby to school. And taking the mandatory photo at the front entrance.
And that would have all been easy and straightforward if there was no other human beings in the world. But you know what? There's people out there! And they have no idea what's going on in my world. They are not aware that I'm holding something dangerous that bites, and hurts and causes damage. And so they merrily approach me, blissfully ignorant and unaware.
Smile and Wave Boys, Smile and Wave
As I looked up from the little hand in mine, I saw them approaching. Brimming with all the pleasant platitudes we give someone when their baby is starting school:
Wow hasn't time gone so fast?
Goodness he's got so big?
What are you going to do with yourself now?
Smile, Kylie; maintain the expected social order. Just sing off the song sheet!
Unspoken truth: Now? What am I going to do? Die? maybe live? Pray! Watch & wait...? I could hardly breathe. I felt claustrophobic and caught.
Needless to say, that was not the first day of school I had been imaging for the last five years! It definitely did not go to script. I was totally awkward with everyone; there was not one conversation that did not feel completely off: the principal, the teachers, other mums, kids... A friend asked if I could do some baking for the PTA and I almost burst into tears! She was perplexed to say the least. It felt like one of those scenes in a movie where the person turns and turns and there are people everywhere and they want to escape but they can't and it's all a frantic blur. I felt like a caged animal, desperate to escape, looking for the exit, but stuck, stuck, stuck in a social situation there was no getting out of.
Had I been thinking, I might have anticipated how badly that would have gone and come up with a different approach. I could easily have asked Anton to take Ezra to school. It would have been disappointing for sure, but probably really lovely for them. I could have waited until closer to the bell and snuck in late. Not the ultimate start for day 1 but passable.
I wish I had realised I was not really ready to get back into the big wide world that day, but I have grace for myself for how it turned out and I'm thankful others did too. Not long after my overly emotional response to the baking request, that particular friend checked in on me. And that time I was ready to share and she, with tender eyes, was ready to hug.
Courage, Love and Legacy
My spiraling re-entry into the wider world post diagnosis brings my husbands favourite meme to mind. It's one of people walking around with invisible bubbles of burden surrounding them:
After my "first day of..." experience, I'm much more aware that I walk in this world with an unseen bubble and so do others. I have friends that have gone through incredibly hard times over the last two years, others who suffer from depression, others yet who are grieving or battling or waiting.
We are often oblivious to what other people are carrying in their day. My experience reminds me to be mindful, thoughtful and graceful towards people throughout the day. There is many a day when we all need that extended to us isn't there?