Beginnings, birthdays and blood tests
Our circuit around the sun is made of constructed time-frames, milestones we mark, events we revolve around. Time is a finite resource for us all, so it begs a conversation about how we relate to it.
This festive time of year is a bit of “celebration central” for me. It kicks off with Judah’s birthday on Christmas Eve, then Christmas, New Years, my birthday 7 days later, followed by four friends birthdays in the next three days! Fun! Phew! As I sit with all these markers of time, I’ve been reflecting how we interact with them, their importance and what we can learn from them…
Beginnings
There is a day on our Gregorian calendar which we mark as the date of new beginnings. As our orbit seamlessly continues, we choose to call this day the New Year. Out come the fireworks, as well as the reflections, the resolutions and the resets. This is the year I will do, won’t do, should do, can do…
Celebrating New Years on the 1st of January was a holiday established by Julius Caesar in 46BC, to bring a sense of time order to the Roman Empire. Interestingly, the name January comes from the god Janus – the god of new beginnings. He was often illustrated with two faces, one face looking into the past; one face looking into the future. Reflection. Resolution.
But many other cultures, ethnicities and countries have different dates from which they determine to mark this annual transition from one year to the next. These may revolve around celestial cycles (moon or star positions), religious or deity celebrations, agriculture, crops and harvest cycles or the start of a season, the beginning of rainy seasons or spring.
Realizing New Years is really a man-made construct, that takes on different shapes and forms all over the world, I, some time ago, gave up on the New Years resolution pressure that I had once exerted on myself.
Rather than revolve around that fabricated form, I’ve found fulfillment in creating a more natural flow of pursuit and purpose as I journey forward. Following the ebbs and flows of the seasons, I will consider what is most on my heart, the growth I’m yearning for, what I’m thankful for and seek out a single word to capture it’s essence.
“Presentce” | “Alignment” | “Rhythm” are a few of the words I’ve lingered with over the years.
This word, this desire, this cry then becomes my seed, I plant and nurture it, water it and wait for it to bear fruit in my life. It’s not a list of to do and not to do’s. Rather than being burdened by cumbersome expectations, I feel free to be curious and explore. The word becomes a gentle grace calling me forward, birthing fresh perspectives, thoughts and actions.
New beginnings are always available to us. In every season.
May we all be blessed with hearts that are open to gratitude and grace throughout our year.
Birthdays
A couple of days ago, I turned an unremarkable number. It wasn’t the celebration of another decade passed. Or even a half of one. Just a stock standard birthday. When asked how I was feeling about getting older… I found it didn’t feel unremarkable, it felt great!
I know that once people get over 40, there can be this corporate sense of impending deterioration. We say things like “I’m over the hill”, “oh well, the best years are behind us”, or one of my favourites from Vanuatu: “sun i stap go down” - the sun is going down!
But not for me. Being diagnosed with cancer and being informed there is a possible limitation on my successive birthdays (this side of 70yrs), I am thrilled to get another one under my belt! I’m not counting aches and pains, perimenopause, grey hairs or wrinkles as signs of deterioration - but of life! I am alive. I am living. It might be in an aging body. But I’m here. With my family. With my friends. With a future.
Age, too, is a construct of sorts. In my work in Vanuatu, I met many a person who did not know the year they were born. Time is told by harvests that have come and gone; or cyclones.
May years ago, in Loukatai, a small village on Tanna, I spent time with an ancient looking, old woman who was not counting her years, but the size of her growing garden of grandchildren. To my constant surprise, she is still alive all these years later and, I believe, it’s because, for one, she doesn’t look at a date on her birth certificate, but keeps her eyes focused on the love and life in the world around her.
May we all be blessed with less of an awareness of our age, and more of an awareness of our legacy.
Blood tests
The other aspect my life now revolves around is blood tests. Unlike beginnings and birthdays, the scheduled routine of these is more ominous. More daunting. And a marker that attracts greater attention than the others.
Friends and family check in regularly: When’s my next blood test? What were the results of the last one? What do the numbers mean? What trends am I seeing? What does the specialist think about them? For those interested, here’s the latest graph… pretty consistent, upward trend for the last 10 months.
These blood tests, whether I like it or not, have become a key determinate of time in my life. Not only do I count weeks from the last one, or to the next one, but they also are my indicator of time - time to treatment, time in remission, potential time left on planet earth.
I’m getting more comfortable with the routine; it’s pretty short intervals now - every 6 weeks. I feel less anxious as the day of a test arrives, and less desperate to get the results. I’m processing them better than I was a year ago.
This too is a measure of time: how far I’ve come since my initial diagnosis. It’s less of a roller coaster and more of a log flume ride. I can preempt the stomach drop, prepare for it and hold on tight for the couple of seconds of adrenaline pumping, heart stopping, giddy contact with the email that tells me which way my numbers are tracking. And then I can breathe again.
Because I no longer gauge my reality solely on the numbers or the chart. I will not be determined by data, because my life is bigger than that. It’s made up of Courage, Love and Legacy. These are not bound by time. Nothing can regulate their report:
Courage tells me to continue to take steps towards a future I cannot see, but I can sense.
Love tells me to share hugs, laughs and encouragement extravagantly, because life is always better when these things abound.
Legacy tells me to live boldly, wide open, and full of anticipation because the seeds sown in this season, reap a bountiful harvest in the next.
Time
Time passes us by in so many ways. We note it’s passing in our community celebrations, the changes of seasons and the personal schedules and routines that often dictate our days. For me this season, time has been noted with new beginnings, birthdays and blood tests. I’m finding ways for time, not to master me, but for me to master it, by remaining present in the moment.
Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present.
- Bil Keane
May we all be blessed with bringing our presence to the present.
Thank you for sharing such an unknowing and vulnerable time of your life with us Kylie. It is written with such beauty. The markers of Courage, Love and Legacy truly shines out of everything you are and do. You continue to be a real gift to the world around you by showing up in remarkable and unique ways. We are here with you my friend xo
So good, Kylie. Your honesty and insights are very inspiring and encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing. I've been thinking lately about how none of us are promised tomorrow. Sometimes the person with a diagnosis outlives the person without one who gets on the freeway at the wrong time, we just don't know. And, we never know when a major change in global affairs will put a halt to the best laid plans. As Christians, we don't know if or when persecution will hit, and our challenge will be learning to love and forgive our jailers. Maybe a stretch, but not for people in places like Iran and China. These are times to live surrendered, and you're modeling it beautifully. <3 Big hugs