Courage is a Choice

Every day, every hour of this cancer journey, I have a choice: "courage or fear"... as I climb this metaphorical mountain, my goal is to choose courage, time and time again.

We all face metaphorical mountains in life. They can be health related, finance related, relationship related, the list is endless … some mountains we climb over with ease, other’s we struggle to overcome, we trip, stumble, puff and fall. Generally to move mountains, we ourselves must make the move.

Photo by Vincent Guth on Unsplash

These metaphorical mountains take their toll, but we hope, when we overcome them, we have grown in strength, stature, wisdom and integrity. That they don’t defeat us, but instead we find a higher perspective from the top of the mountain; a perspective that we wouldn’t have had if we hadn’t climbed up.

Cancer is a metaphorical mountain. Access to modern treatments in NZ is a metaphorical mountain** I face both with courage.

Overcoming Mountains

In recent years there are two mountains that I have been enriched by. Both start with a metaphorical mountain and finish on a literal one.

Three years ago, I had back surgery after spending 10yrs in chronic back pain. After experiencing multiple acute and debilitating episodes, where I often couldn’t walk, I was finally approved for a micro-discectomy to remove the protruding culprit disc. At that stage I had been unable to walk for 6 weeks and had a completely numb foot.

After surgery I had a choice, live in fear of re-injury, or muster up the courage to get active again. I chose courage. My 40th birthday (the top of the mountain right?) was coming up in nine months time and I desperately wanted to be able to adventure with my active children. So we set a goal. To climb a mountain - specifically do the 3 day Tongariro Northern Circuit Hike. A huge undertaking for someone who weeks ago wasn’t walking. But with a lot of support and determination, for my 40th birthday, I found myself, with my family, on the top of Tongariro. Love, faith and courage had got me there.

From left: my dad Paul, my son Judah, brother-in-law Chris, my son Malachi, ME, brother Ben, sister-in-law Lizzie, my mum Michelle… photo by: my husband Anton.

But only nine months later, I found myself facing an even bigger mountain. Nine months later, I was diagnosed with leukemia, and 18 months after that, I started treatment.

During the years of chronic back pain, every winter, my husband and sons have been going snowboarding at Mt Ruapehu without me. My back injury (&, for awhile, a toddler) prevented me from joining them. Every winter, I’d watched them pack up the car with their gear and head to the snow. Over those years, I’ve felt a range of emotions: relief (I get some “me” time), resentment (I’m left behind), regret (why has my body failed me?), rage (life is very unfair!). And then cancer. Really? Just when I was getting back on my feet, I find myself at rock bottom again!

Now here, just like after back surgery, I faced a choice. Sit at the bottom of the mountain and feel sorry for myself… or find a way up to climb to the top of another mountain.

And last week, I did just that - I found myself skiing (fast) down the tracks at Whakapapa with my boys. It was my first time on skis for 20 years. I went skiing while on active treatment. I went skiing after back surgery. I went skiing with my family and friends. The joy of this mountain top experience cannot be conveyed well in words… here’s a video to celebrate…

I haven’t overcome cancer by skiing, but I have overcome the feeling of being robbed of joy and time with my kids. I went up there to make magic memories with my boys. Cancer cannot take those from me. This is overcoming cancer, one step at a time.

What it takes to get to the top…

Climbing mountains, metaphorical or literal is not easy. And I think the preparation and work is the same for both.

• Fitness - it’s hard to get up a mountain without a high level of physical and mental fitness, which isn’t achieved on the day of the climb, but in all the preparation before hand. Metaphorical mountains also take strength and stamina and we need to be readying ourselves for even when times are good. Practicing gratitude, faith, courage, and perseverance all build resilience and strength and ready us for the mountains we face.

• Packing - what we take in our kit is crucial to our success. On the mountain we need hydration, food, rest, warmth and shelter. In my case climbing Tongariro, I could only lift a light pack; I didn’t have capacity or strength to carry a full three days worth of supplies, but I had family to help share and shoulder the load. This is just as important to me now, as it was then. When overcoming lifes obstacles, we need to look after our bodies, our minds and our spirits, nourishing ourselves with things that will sustain us. Physically that is water & good food. Mentally and spiritually that is taking time for rest and reflection, having supportive, warm and encouraging relationships, safe places to share and find security, and people to help carry the load.

  

• Achievable Goals - I didn’t climb Mt Everest as my first attempt at tramping after surgery. I chose something achievable, so that I would grow in confidence and courage. When we face seemingly insurmountable obstacles in life, the key is not to get overwhelmed by their size and scale, but to focus on the one step we can take today. And then the next day. And the next. Don’t look up to the top of the mountain, that can make you dizzy. Instead, focus on your feet - these are your mode of transport. May you walk in peace.

• Reaching the top - when we get to the top of the mountain, we’re usually sore, exhausted, hungry and hurting. It can take a lot of sweat and blood to grind our way through the relentless uphill climb.

  

  

  But suddenly when we reach the summit, we experience this on top of the world moment, where everything and anything feels possible. We are elated and joyful and all seems magnificent and it is.

  

  

  And in the years to come, it is this moment we remember most. Not the toil and tears, but the feeling of empowerment. This is what sustains and encourages us up the next mountain, and the next. Knowing, that despite all the effort it takes to get there, it is worth it. Most of us don’t spend our days on mountain tops, life is not like that. But we need to treasure those victorious moments as they are the testimony of what we are capable of, all that we can be and all God empowers us to be.

I’m a great believer in the climb. Life is not easy. It never promised to be. But we can make a difference by the choices we make. We can choose to be grateful. We can choose to hold on to hope even in dire circumstances. We can choose to love extravagantly and wholeheartedly despite the risks. We can choose take a step forward, even when it hurts. We can choose courage over fear. Each of these choices is a step that helps us climb further up the mountain.

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

I’m writing this not from a mountain top, but from a perilous position on the edge of eternity. CLL is currently an “incurable” cancer, I have a fast paced version of it, and NZ is well behind on offering modern treatments. A full life ahead can easily look insurmountable and impossible, and it often does. So each morning it’s important I take steps of love and courage and faith and legacy to keep climbing. Last week, that looked like skiing for the first time in 20 years to make memories with my boys. This week, that has looked like advocating for better treatment in NZ in the national media (scary but important). Next week, it’ll probably be another vulnerable video-log to walk alongside others on this journey.

Today, have a think about a mountain you might be facing…

• How are you positioning yourself on your mountain?… are you sitting at the bottom waiting for it to move, or are you choosing to take on the climb?

• What is one choice you can make today to take a step of courage?

• What values are important to you when you go through tough times? How can you practice them today?

• If you’re not facing something difficult in your current season, what choices are you making to prepare yourself - how are you ensuring you are physically, mentally and spiritually fit to overcome something in the future?

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

** there is a lot of political and media discussion about the limited options for treatment in NZ. It is a very real and daily concern for cancer patients and for myself personally. Today is Daffodil Day, supporting the NZ Cancer Society and this Sunday, 1 Sept, is CLL Day worldwide. This year, I have chosen to step into an advocacy role to be a patient voice for better options for us all, so you might see or hear me on TV or newspapers … and if you’ve found me here because of those channels... welcome! I hope you find a regular dose of courage, love and legacy through these blogs.