Deepening Dependency

As we walk each other home, how do we value vulnerability, support, care, connection, and humility when independence is the wares we're being sold?

Dependency is usually a word we associate with burdensome attachment, of requiring support. Children are our dependents, and that’s okay, for an appropriate length of time, but then we aspire to them becoming independent, finding their wings and flying the nest. Later in life, aging parents suddenly find themselves dependent on their adult children and they often wrestle with their diminishing independence. Illness, disaster, trauma and unfortunate life events can have us swinging between states of independence and dependence. Yet in most seasons, our desire is to retain our independence. It’s a state of being that is highly valued, prized above anything else in our culture.

When we think of independence we think of freedom, choice, going places, having control of our own destinies, self-determination, individualism, capability and competence, strength. Dependence is perceived as almost the complete opposite of these.

But not so in all cultures. I used to run strengths based workshops with people from the Pacific and when we were going through a bank of strength/weakness types of words, they would deviate from my preconceived ideas and definitions of ”independence” and “dependence”. Dependence was always placed in the strengths; independence in the weakness boxes.

And so I’d unpack it with them, and discover a beautiful perspective that challenged my own cultural values. Independence meant isolation from the community, forging your own way at the expense of family and friends. Dependence meant you would lean on each other for support and care, it meant you had connection and fellowship. Completely counter-cultural to our western understanding.

Independence as we know it…

I’ve been having a reflection time on independence and dependence over the last months as my children grow into teenagers and start madly flapping their wings, preparing their bodies, minds and spirits to take flight. As a parent, it’s an emotional time. There is great pride in their growing confidence, skills, and perspectives. There is also a shadow feeling of loosing them, of abandonment, of loss and sadness.

I’ve felt this acutely as I’ve spent the winter months up the mountain with them. I have been excited that my treatment has been working and I’ve had the energy for days of adventure and skiing and that I’m able to participate with them in something that they love. Yet, I’m much slower and far less adventurous than they are. And so, most of my day is spent with my youngest son (who is also faster than me), while I scan the slopes to see my two eldest flying freely. As they lap me time and time again, I might be lucky enough to catch them doing a spectacular jump as I head up the tow bar and I’ll wave and cheer hoping they feel their mum’s celebration. Internally, I hope, just one time they might wait for me, but they’re in their own world, so lunch time, when their hungry tummies are crying out for fuel, is about the only time they feel the need to check in. They’re in their zone. They are independent, free and capable. They’re loving it. They know I’m close by, and that’s enough. (and just because I can - just look at them fly!)

And because I love them, I’ve tried not to get resentful, offended or feel neglected. These are shadow feelings that I don’t want to give too much power to. Because we celebrate independence. So why does it feel a little bit sad?

Because then there’s the mornings when they all choose to come snuggle in bed. Sometimes in the weekdays, and almost certainly in the weekends. Uninhibited, tender connection time. No matter how big they’re getting, we can always fit with a bit of wiggling and kicking to get comfy. One on each side of me, the other close enough my hand can stretch out and stoke their hair or sit comfortably on their shoulder. While they yearn for independence, there is still that feeling of wanting to come in close, to be dependent, to find attention, affirmation and warmth. And I treasure these moments so much! I treasure it with my kids. I treasure it when I visit my own mum and can still go hop into her bed with a cuppa for a catch-up before the day runs away.

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

We have this tension in our hearts between wanting our independence from others yet needing to be dependent on each other for love and community. It happens when we’re young, it happens when we’re old, it happens when we’re sick, when we’re well, when we’re rich, when we’re poor.

Upside down, inside out and backwards

And I wonder if we’ve got our priorities upside down? If our understanding of independence vs dependence is weighted too heavily in favour of freedom over connection? Do we need to turn our priorities inside out and backwards to really see clearly?

In worship the other day, I was bringing my heart before my heavenly Father and He reflected my own parental heart back to me. He showed me how we are like my kids out on the mountain having fun, doing our thing, being in the zone, only checking in with Him when we need something. And He watches, cheering us on, but man, He’d love for us to ride with Him more often. To do life together. Even if it means we need to slow down a bit, it’d be way more fun. He loves those, often fleeting moments, when we snuggle in close and share heart to heart. He longs to abide in that place way more often. His door is always open. He loves when we are dependent on Him, yet most of our lives, in pursuit of independence, gets in the way. With our relationship with Him. With our relationships with each other.

As we had this conversation, I got a distinct impression that maturity might not be becoming more independent, but might be more about deepening dependency. I recently heard a saying “at the end of the day, we’re all just walking each other home.” Walking together on this journey home, is a journey of dependency, is it not?

Photo by Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash

As I’ve sat with other people with cancer, as I’ve sat with people who are aging, I see this so clearly. We can’t do this stuff alone. We need to relinquish our need for independence and learn how to lean on each other. I’ve had to learn this over the last few years as my health has let me down. And even as I write that sentence, I wonder, has my health let me down or has my ill health helped me grow stronger because dependency is a strength? Has it helped me learn to appreciate and lean into dependency? Has it in fact given me more freedom? The freedom to trust, to let go of inhibitions and barriers, the freedom to be know and be known, the freedom to see and be seen. The freedom to receive and give love.

Vulnerably Upheld

I have a friend who is on palliative care journey, and the other day I watched him walk out of church, upheld by two friends, holding his hands, taking his weight. It was so intimate and profoundly beautiful. Inspiring. Holy.

It’s a vulnerable place, being dependent. It takes openness, it takes humility, and it often takes brokenness. Yet I wonder, do we have to be broken down by sickness, aging, trauma or something devastating to become dependent? Is there a way we can deepen dependency, humility, vulnerability and connection because it’s something we value? Are we willing to relinquish our tight grasp on our claim to independence in order to hold hands with our friends, even when we don’t need their aid and support?

Rather than seeing strength as independent fame and fortune, can we shift the frame to see strength as walking together, arms and hearts linked with vulnerability, laughter and love?

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

I still have a long way to grow in the area of dependence. I have 42yrs of listening to to the raucous megaphone of culture telling me my wants, my rights, my truth, my purpose, my platform is the priority. There is a lot of re-framing to do here. The first step is awareness, naming this tension and then a daily willingness to critique and adjust my perceptions, values and behaviours, to tune them into a frequency of dependency. I want to grow in my willingness to vulnerably upheld, by both God and people. We were created for relationship after all.

This could be an offensively counter-cultural message I’ve written today … yet hopefully, in it, something tugs at your heart, a quiet truth that yearns to be heard.

• Take time to explore your own thoughts, feelings, mindsets and beliefs toward those two words: “independence” and “dependence.”

• How do you think you’d face situations in your life where you may need to be dependent? What feelings and responses come up? What fears? Will they help or hinder you when that time comes?

• What would it cost you to loose your independence? What could you gain?

• Take time to notice, name and challenge your own perceptions, is there anything you need to adjust to walk in the greater freedom dependency offers?