fresh vitality
because spring is inevitable
As I look towards this coming school term, I marvel at how many activities are already crammed into a ten week period. Two days each week I’m booked to deliver leadership and personal growth training sessions, two days a week I’ll be at church leading ops and policy development, most weekends and many afternoons are full with filming our kids unplugged series, and sprinkled throughout are coaching sessions, book and blog writing, home-schooling and then general admin and accounts. Plus preparing for a missions trip in spring. Phew! Normally this might look overwhelming, frantic or “super busy” but, for me in this gifted-time, it’s an absolute blessing. It signals the fresh vitality I am living with.
Over the past few years, I have faced and overcome chronic debilitating back pain and Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. A case load of activity, as described above, would have completely swamped me. I have had such limited capacity, been exhausted and often merely treading water. But it wasn’t until I finished treatment earlier this year and have felt my energy levels return to normal that I realise just how tired, exhausted and below par I was. There were many instances where I have beaten myself up for not being able to participate and contribute. I’d look at other people, their purpose driven lives, and feel a complete lack on my own part. I’d try to try to say yes to things and find that I’d sink. I’d try and maintain a facade of coping and connecting but it was draining. Comparison to other people wasn’t helpful, but it was the comparison to my pre-cancer self that was the real enemy. I would reflect on all I used to be, all I was capable of, the capacity and energy and zest for life that I once carried and feel such a devastating sense of distance from that person. A sense of loss, loss of potential, loss of possibility, loss of worth. And with a good many years imprisoned in a body that was resistant to and tired by life, my heart and mind started believing this washed out version of reality was all that was left for me.
But it’s not. And that is why I am so energised by the long list of purpose-filled activities on my list for this term. Because I have the energy, motivation and capacity to engage with life again! I had come to believe that the ebbed out version of energy I was living with was my forever normal, completely blind to just how much cancer and then treatment were exhausting me and draining reserves. I know people told me to have grace for myself in that season. I know I tried to accept, embrace and even thrive in a season of significant limitations. And I also know that, deep down, there was a part of me that was frustrated and withering. In the cold and in the dark. Yet here I am. Out of winter and into spring. Energised, full of vitality and bursting with new life. And it feels so good!
In the last season, I wrote a post-it note and put it by the mirror in my bathroom so I’d see it every morning.
It reads “spring is inevitable.”
I needed to be reminded of that daily. Even when I felt that my winter was endless, the beauty of life is that spring does eventually burst forth. The longer I live, the more life that flows under the bridge, the more I know this to be true. Our winter seasons can feel like a real test of endurance, of hope, of faith… and then there’s a moment when we notice those first minuscule, tender, fragile buds, those hope-filled heralds of change! This is what I am witnessing now. Spring is inevitable.
A song for winter seasons
Andrew Peterson wrote a stunning song that captures the aching beauty of our hearts desperate desire to be reborn out of our winter seasons… here’s the lyrics of the last verses…
The Rain Keeps Falling - Andrew Peterson
“My daughter and I put the seeds in the dirt
And every day now we’ve been watching the earth
For a sign that this death will give way to a birth
And the rain keeps falling
Down on the soil where the sorrow is laid
And the secret of life is igniting the grave
And I’m dying to live but I’m learning to wait
And the rain is falling”
There were times I’d sit on my bed and cry as these lyrics wrapped around me, acknowledging the real vulnerability of my heart, yet tenderly offering me the hope that death will give way to a birth. All creation testifies to this truth.
When you’re in a winter season, I’d invite you to take a listen to this song and allow hurt and hope to exist in your heart together. Because spring is inevitable.
Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder
A few things caught me as I wrote this blog and I’d like to draw your attention to them for deeper reflection…
Being “busy” - sometime being busy can be a distraction, a way to avoid deeper emotions; overworking and striving can be about performance and a drive for validation; busyness can be a barrier to connection, reflection and rest or a buffer to shield us from other uncertainties. And other times being busy can be a reflection of being passion and purpose fuelled. On the outside, a full calendar can look the same but have very different motivations and implications. We need to know if our being busy is life-giving or draining us. Take a look at your calendar today and reflect on what activities are helping or hindering you to thrive in life. Adjust where necessary.
Comparison - as humans we always seem to be on alert as to how we compare to others, how we compare to our vision of ourselves, how we compare to societal norms or expectations, how we compare to our expectations of ourselves … the list goes on. Comparison doesn’t usually bring joy. Contentedness does. Being content is about finding peace, security and worth despite what’s going on in our world and the world around us. How do we learn to be content in our current circumstance? Take time to notice what unhelpful comparisons you are making of yourself at the moment. Would you release yourself of them today?
Winter - when we’re in a tough season our instinct is to get out of it as fast as possible. We can create a lot of stress and tension for ourselves by trying to fight the circumstances we find ourselves in. Yet in nature we notice that often it is winter, it is pressure, it is cold, it is hardship, it is fire that produces the ingredients for beautiful things to birth forth. Consider today, how might you embrace the dark months and the internal growth, change and transformation that occurs during those times more gracefully? How might you cling to the hope of spring while allowing the regenerative rain to fall?
Love this post Kyles and the points to ponder. ‘Adjust where necessary’ - just like a good recipe ;)