Maximizer on Steroids
Going through difficult times is often challenging enough, and we can be our own worst enemy or our own best friend depending on how well we know and harness our inner influences.
Navigating a cancer journey and a treatment journey is a very personal thing. For each person, how they face it looks different. We are each uniquely wired, and our strengths, perceptions, beliefs and values shape and form how we respond to this and other of life’s challenges.
Add to this periods when we are under the influence of handfuls of drugs, body and mind altering medications as we attempt to ward off the threat of our inevitable demise …
Over the first few weeks of treatment, I considered my own response, my moods, my emotions, my motivations and how the fusion of both internal and external influences can create both light and fire. A maximiser on steroids can be both wonderful and dangerous!
External Influences
For my first three infusions I was given a bunch pre-meds (panadol, anti-histamines & steroids) as a precaution and to protect me from the risk of a reaction to the Obinutuzumab infusion.
And discovered just how powerful steroids are.
I had nights of limited or no sleep. My mind fully stimulated by and engaged in all manner of deep and perceptive thought. I was energised. I was positive. I was high.
And then I wasn’t. Two days after the injection, I would crash. My mind became foggy, slow and unfocused. I was depleted. Lethargic. Low.
This is the roller-coaster of treatment. It felt like the steroids turned all my systems on in order to protect me from treatment risks. Once the threat reduced, all my systems were turned off. Utterly exhausted from the effort of a constantly alert state.
In some ways I loved the steroids. I discovered that, in that enhanced performance state, my ideas and writing thrived. Light.
In most ways, I hated the steroids. I didn’t enjoy the emotional lows, being subject to moods outside my own will, my lack of capacity and energy for my family. Fire.
I sought balance.
Internal Influences
In my nights of clarity, one thing became clear to me. It wasn’t just the effect of introduced drugs that were influencing how I navigated the days after the infusions.
Steroids certainly played a part. They amplified what already existed. They didn’t forge something from nothing, instead, they enhanced my performance.
So then what were they enhancing?
They enhanced who I am. The enhanced my strengths.
A couple of years ago, I began a journey of becoming a Strengths Coach, by learning about and growing in my own Strengths.
For those who haven’t heard of “Strengths” - known as “Clifton Strengths”, this psychometric tool identifies 34 areas of talent, skill and capability that a person can draw on to succeed in life. We don’t use all 34, instead we become familiar and adept at using between 10 -12 of these strengths and talents, with the first five actively utilised daily life. These strengths motivate and drive us, influence our thinking and become the lens through which we perceive the world.
My top five strengths are:
Strategic - an ability to perceive direction and alternatives paths, adjusting confidently
Achiever - the desire to get things done, to be productive, task-orientated
Activator - a talent to ignite action, get things started, inspire and motivate movement
Maximiser - a desire to shape “good” into “great”, to squeeze out all potential
Belief - a solid foundation of altruistic values that influence every thought and action
(These strengths don’t operate in isolation. When fused with other strengths, they could well express themselves differently.)
Just like steroids, I have a love and loath relationship with my strengths.
I love them because, when they’re in balance, they provide me with a clear, meaningful life direction and equip and empower me to move confidently toward that vision. Light.
I loathe them because, when they’re out of balance, they burden me with an unrelenting sense of obligation, of striving beyond my capacity and are a recipe for burn out (which I’ve experienced a number of times in my life). Fire.
I still seek balance.
Unique and Personal Motivations
Mostly though, I value my strengths and it is these that have uniquely influenced my cancer journey… in fact they’re the reason this blog started…
Belief - inspired me that my cancer journey was not for me alone, but an opportunity to give a gift to others. The gift of sitting on the edge of eternity together and sharing intimately.
Maximiser - and, for me, it wasn’t enough for that gift and connection to be casual conversations with a few close confidants. I needed to squeeze all the potential out of this otherwise crap situation.
Strategic - my desire for leaving life with a legacy of love led me to envision an alternative path - transforming my CLL diagnosis into this CLL blog “Courage, Love and Legacy.”
Activator - said “Let’s go” - my writing started within a month of my diagnosis. I didn’t wait for some distant time in the future after I’d learned to live with cancer. I kicked off immediately. Activators do this. There is no time like right now!
Achiever - I was then able to efficiently work through the tasks of finding a website host, designing the original platform, put together a database of initial friends and family… the list and ticking it off, as with any achiever, goes on and on and on …..
I am unique. They suggest 1 in 33 million share the exact same 34 strength’s profile. This means that you would most likely not approach having cancer the same way I have.
You will have your own personal and unique way of approaching “danger zones” which will be motivated by your own combination of strengths. You may choose to be completely private, you may like to immerse in a good book or journal, you may hunt out physical challenges that make you feel alive, find power on adventures, you may really struggle and find yourself awash in the current, you may step out with utter faith, you might keep calm and carry on.
Strengths on Steroids
What I know to be true, is that strengths can operate on full power mode, with or without an actual steroid injection. Strengths are an internal force that, unchecked, drive and determine our motivations and actions. They are powerful. They can also be our kryptonite.
Being able to identify, name and harness our strengths is important.
My “maximiser” loved the effects of the steroids I was being given. It enhanced my creative abilities. It had the power to lift my writing from good to great. Like a competitive coach it suggested I embrace the steroid high, stay up all night and write freely.
My “achiever” wrestled with the effects of the steroids. It oscillated between wanting the opportunity to be highly productive during the nighttime high and feeling frustrated by being a complete write-off when I crashed.
Like a wise mentor, my “belief” knew my connection with my family was suffering as my body had to constantly adjust to the external stimuli. And had decided enough was enough.
I could feel the tensions as each strength vied for my attention and action. In a confusing, muddled and tired time, it helped that I was cognitively aware of my internal influences and could recognise their voices. This enabled me to both harness (hold back) that which would do me harm, while also harnessing (grab hold of) that which would help me. I was not being tossed about by impulse. I had control of the reigns and knew what I needed to do.
After the first two infusions, I asked the nurse for sleeping pills which allowed me to sleep for the nights following. This gave me greater capacity, clarity and connection in my day time hours. At the start of my second treatment cycle (one month in), I asked for a review of medication, specifically for the steroids to be removed from my cocktail. They were and I have experienced a normal energy week following the infusion.
Balance.
Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder
Have you taken time to explore and understand what drives, motivates, influences your thinking and decisions? Going through difficult times is often hard enough, and we can be our own worst enemy or our own best friend depending on how well we know and harness our inner influences.
If you’re in a pretty comfortable season right now, don’t take it for granted; make space to learn about yourself, so that when a challenge comes, you’re equipped with understanding your own unique response patterns.
If you’re facing a challenge, take time out to consider what directions your heart and mind is pulling you in. Are there repeating patterns you’re aware of? Are they helping or hindering you right now?
If you’d like to discover your own strengths - I do online and in person coaching… so feel free to flick me an email/message. When I first received my strength profile, I laughed out loud and thought “oh right, this is totally explains the way that I am!” Light. Fire.
If you already know your strengths, I’d love for you to share a comment about how they help or hinder you in challenging times and how you’ve learnt to harness them.
I am aware one of my strengths is hospitality i am able to create a friendly, welcoming home even with strangers. It has helped me to be able to focus on others for short times throughout years of chronic illness, asthma and respiratory, but not cancer.