Time for Tenderness

As she massaged my hand, tears silently slipped down my cheek and I realised just how much my body has been used as a medical pin-cushion and just how much my heart yearns for tender care.

Writing about self-care feels a little like imposter syndrome because self-care is not something I am very good at. In fact, I have spent a sunny Sunday writing blogs, rather than going to the snow with my boys. Granted, this season I have had some awesome days with them on the mountain, but in all reality, fun and fulfillment to me often looks more like writing to support and care for others, than racing down a mountain trying to keep up with my crazy kids.

Writing helps me cement something in my own life, and right now I’m reflecting on the fact that being on treatment is teaching me that taking time to rest and refresh is essential to survival. After a very intense first few months of treatment, I accidentally had a trifecta of “Kylie time” in one week… which is pretty much unheard of in my world. It started with a massage (my mother’s day gift), then an impromptu dinner with a friend I haven’t caught up with since diagnosis, followed by a time at “look good, feel better” - a self-care makeup session especially for people going through treatment.

I had not intended for such a wonderful line-up: the makeup session was the only thing I had intentionally booked as it fell on the last day of the school holidays and I had strategically figured I’d need a morning out by then. But then the massage date got shifted into that week to suit the therapist and my friend just happened to catch me in a moment where I was realising I need to say “yes” more often.

And it all wove together to be a very special week of “tender treatment” and through it I discovered a nugget I need to hold on to - that time out for “me-treats” are good for me and good for my family…

Tender Touch

My massage broke me, in a very good way. As I lay there, firstly thinking about how I wanted the therapist to apply more pressure to get the knots out of my shoulders but too shy to ask, then trying to convince my mind to relax and enjoy it, to being rolled over and suddenly being overwhelmed by emotions.

Photo by Conscious Design on Unsplash

When she began gently massaging my left hand, unexpected silent tears started raining out of my eyes - and I couldn’t even wipe them away. From deep inside me came a yearning I hadn’t given voice or attention to. Suddenly I saw that my body had become a medical pin-cushion, jabbed with needles on a far too regular basis, and an object for results to be analyzed, and I had lost a sense of connection to or compassion for it. We are embodied spirits, and what happens to our physical being effects us at a much deeper level. As she massaged my hand and arm, that has been subject to an uncountable number of injections and blood samples, my whole being responded to the tender touch I was experiencing. I felt a whisper in my spirit that I was loved and held with compassion and care. I was able to release and let go of some of the confusion and tension that I’d been carrying. It was so moving, so beautiful, so needed and so healing.

Soul Food

Second up was my impromptu dinner with my friend. We’d hit and missed so often it was looking almost impossible to find a date with each other and, to be honest, my mental state has not been overly positive, so hibernating at home has felt like a safer bet. But after my massage, when she texted, I thought - '“I probably need this too” and I was right. Once we had established cancer talk was off the cards, the evening was soul-nourishing.

Photo by Charindra Salgado on Unsplash

We talked about our hopes, struggles, our families, middle age and how our perspective shifts so much, money, connection, growing spiritually. We were both so hungry for authentic, vulnerable conversation. We both had a cupboard full of ingredients that needed sharing… and as we nibbled and tasted each serving, we laid our hearts bare. Our morsels of realness were garnished with laughs and tears. And it left us feeling nourished and satisfied. And do you know the best thing? We both agreed this time of life calls for less catch-ups of coffee and more memory creating adventures. So we have booked in not one, but two overnight hikes before the end of the year.

A Make-over

My last “Kylie-time” treat was a morning spent with other courageous women facing a wide range of cancer diagnoses. On the surface the Look Good, Feel Good session was about learning to apply make-up to counter the horrible side-effects chemo and radiation. On a deeper level, we were there to refresh our confidence and our outlook. Now, again, I am not a makeup person - my last eye shadow set has lasted over a decade! So unpacking a box of cosmetic treats was something I was decidedly unsure about. But I had signed up to do something different, something feminine and inspiring. And I loved it. The makeup part was fun, but the conversations with the others was fulfilling. Each women was facing significant challenges - from loosing all their hair and eyebrows, to fingernails falling apart, to skin rashes and pale pallor, to worrying about time left with their children or grandchildren.

Photo by Ashley Piszek on Unsplash

It was a very humbling occasion and particularly moving when each frail-looking woman ceremoniously removed her purple makeup cape and revealing her remarkable transformation to a glowing, stunning, courageous face of hope. It was profound. Again, tears the came. Such beauty found amongst the devastation. I learnt that day, that make-up done with love is like art, and it has the subtle power to renew a person’s self esteem and shift a broken spirit to a valiant one.

Get Out The Diary

Writing and remembering all this, inspires me to sit down and make a list of things that bring joy and fulfillment and book them in my calendar. Now. Because time slips so easily between the cracks of responsibilities, jobs and the family to-do list.

Treatment is a time where there is a lot going on for us. Body, Mind and Spirit. Because I’m on a targeted treatment, with very few side effects, I’ve found it quite easy to just carry on as if life is normal (or at an even higher intensity). And there is a degree in which that is helpful. But as I discovered on the massage table, there is also a degree to which it is not.

With my mortal clock ticking, I have a relentless inner driver who puts intense pressure on me to always be there for my kids, only do things of significant purpose and meaning, to not let time slip by on “frivolous, self-serving” activities. I’m working on dialing down the volume on that voice. My goal is to take back the keys and learn that taking time to rest and restore is not taking away from the others in our lives, it is in fact, ensuring we’re not depleted and exhausted and can be happily present with them. It is a gift to ourselves and a gift to our loved ones.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

This may come naturally for you, and if it does, I honor you for finding a rhythm that is healthy. For me, I am a work in progress, and it’s often one step forward, two back. But today I’m celebrating three steps forward!

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

I’ve shared my wrestle with self-care as well as the fun and fulfillment I’ve found in it recently. You may be like me and find yourself regularly putting everyone else’s needs before your own, or you may be someone who has established a healthy balance of self-care, or you may have tipped the scales too far and be neglecting others to ensure you thrive.

Where ever you might be on that spectrum, this week, take some time to consider...

• what does self-care look like or mean to you?

• how in touch are you with your needs as well as the needs of your loved ones? Is the priority weighted more heavily one way or another? How can you bring some balance?

• think of a time when you experienced an occasion of self-care where it has nourished you - what was the nugget that came out of that experience?

• make a list of fun and fulfilling treats that you enjoy and that nourish your spirit. Book time to do them in your diary. Now.

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie

(PS - Kylie loves to give this blog freely, and she’s very grateful to those who choose to come alongside her financially. This gift supports Kylie as she navigates her cancer journey, and invests in her commitment to share Courage, Love and Legacy with those facing their own difficult diagnosis. If you’ve been here awhile, and would like to become a valued supporter please consider upgrading to a paid subscription at any time)