The Gift of Peace
When I received the results of my second blood test, my world once again flipped & spun. I was, once again, disorientated and assailed by fear. In that grappling place, Peace powerfully rescued me.
My white blood cell count has more than doubled in less than three months! CLL is known for being a chronic, slow developing cancer... unless it's not. A number of genetic mutations, can mean, in some rare cases, it develops more quickly and is less receptive to treatment and then the prognosis deteriorates considerably. And it looks like I could be in that category, pending genetic results.
Shaken to the core, I want to vomit, scream and run away all at the same time. But there is no escape from me. I'm trapped in my body with this cancer that flows through my veins. My heart takes a deep dive and cries out for my kids, my husband, my family - I don't want to leave them, I'm not ready for the great separation, not in one year, not in five, not in ten - it's all too soon and it feels like it's closing in so fast. I wanted 30yrs or more and now the gravity of a much earlier passing is pinning me to the ground.
My Only One
I have only one place I can go when the wheels come spinning off like this. Only one place where I know I will receive the fullness of comfort and care I need. There is only One I trust implicitly not to hurt me further, to fully hear me, full hold me. There is only One who can take my pain, my burden, my desperation and exchange it for a peace that transcends everything.
And so, I get raw, I get honest, I get vulnerable with Jesus; snot, tears, arms outstretched in a deep yearning, with all my expectations and hopes set on Him alone. And, always good to His promises, He responds with powerful peace. With eyes closed, I sense Him step up in front of me and place his hand on my forehead. And then a rush of power courses through my body, physically shaking me. It goes on and on and on, time becomes irrelevant as I feel the heat in His hand flow through me. I don't question what He's doing, I just stand and receive. I know I have nothing to offer, nothing to say; all I can do is invite Him into this space of wrestling and uncertainty and simply believe.
And in that timeless place, in my spirit I hear Him say: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; but not as the world gives, so do not be trouble or afraid"
Powerful Peace
This was not a floating, feather-like peace; this was a powerful peace. Full voltage. Shaking out all my fear and foreboding. Transforming my mind and heart. Aligning my spirit with heaven. This was an exchange. All of me my heart, for all of His heart. Thank you Jesus.
In the days following this encounter, whenever anxiety started to creep in, I would turn my mind to remember His touch on my forehead, and I'd feel Peace press into those dark places and fight for me. And I'd be released from the fears that tried to imprison my heart and head.
Not every day since has been a breeze. There is a place for lament and grief. Jesus himself sweated blood and cried out in his darkest hours. But I'm not held captive by the darkness. I have been given an exchange card which I can redeem at any time. It's not like a gift card we'd get in a shop - it doesn't have an expiry date or a cash cap. It's limitless. It is the peace that only Jesus can give.
Courage, Love and Legacy
My relationship with Jesus is the rock that holds me through the storms of life. I have a bank of experiences that I can turn to, call on, that remind me of his steadfast faithfulness; never once has He ever let me down. This is the legacy I want to leave for my children, so that when life throws them the inevitable grenades, they have a safe place to go to, to find peace, love and comfort, to find grace and hope and strength.
Where do you go to find your strength and peace in times of turmoil?