When my specialist gets nervous...

It's a funny thing to be perfectly calm and at peace when your hematologist is telling you that the levels of cancer in your body are now at a point that make specialists nervous.

It has been just over a year since I was diagnosed with CLL and in mid Oct, I had my most recent specialist appointment. To be honest, it’s been a conundrum for me on how to provide this update because there’s two very different factors at play now: Facts and Faith.

I’m finding it’s a delicate balancing act, there’s a real tension, to convey be truthful about the facts and to also honor my lived experience. They’re opposing and quite contradictory… let me explain…

Photo by unsplash.com/@tingeyinjurylawfirm

Let’s start with the FACTS:

(so that we can move beyond them)

• My Lymphocyte count continues to climb at an agressive and prolific rate. It’s now around 250,000 (normal is 4,000-10,000, so I’m right out of the park)

• My haemoglobin and platelet count are verging on so low, that if they get any lower it indicates time to start treatment.

• My lymph nodes are now visibally swollen under my chin and can be felt all over my body.

• All these indications should start amounting to other symptoms such as fatigue, sickness, night sweats, a swollen spleen or liver (& the list goes on).

• If my cancer indicators continue the way they’re going, there may be an opportunity to go on a clinical trial in the New Year.

The combination of all of the above caused my specalist to note, quite emphatically, that we’re now in territory where they get nervous and want to closely monitor me. Should sound scary right? BUT

Then there’s the FAITH factor:

This is where the facts are not impacting my peace, my resolve, my hope, not even my health.

• Although immune compromised and with a household of kids & winter bugs, my own body did not succumb to any sickness this winter - praise God

• I’ve had a periods of wrestling and wondering but have, again, been gifted a peace that surpasses all understanding and am so excited by what life has in store in 2024.

• In the last month or so, I’ve undertaken a lifestyle programme (Square One) focused on healing and health and I feel great!

• The core components of the programme are faith, food, fitness, focus & forgiveness and I’ve made some radical lifestyle changes to support healing in my body.

• Faith: I’m not expecting miraculous, instanteous healing just yet (there’s a very good reason for that, which I’ll share in another post sometime soon) but I’m finding strength in leaning into Gods provision, protection and nourishment of my body, mind and spirit and trusting in His will for goodness in my life.

• Food: I’m juicing and drinking 2kg of vegetables daily. Mostly carrots. This is resulting in my skin developing an early summer tan, which is a lovely shade of burnt orange. And while not a rabbit (as some might tease), I am eating (mostly) raw vegan meals to receive from the earth all the nourishing, cancer fighting vitamins and minerals as I can. Just look how delicious my meals & juicing ingredients look:

  

• Fitness: At the tender age of 41, I’m finally listening and attending to my body (revolutionary move!). Instead of completely neglecting it or alternatively, demanding haphazard rigourous exercise, I’m now focusing on regular stretching, strengthening and daily movement.

• Focus & Forgiveness: There’s a mix of stuff in this area - clarifying focus & removing clutter (in projects & problems), detoxing from stress, letting past hurts go…release and receive.

All of this delicious and nourishing activity is amounting to a life that is embracing living, loving and being kind to myself and others. I’ve been guilty of being an overly busy, productive, output focused person most of my life. I’m loving the slowing down this season requires and the opportunity to learn to abide in God’s grace and care.

So there you have it: facts and faith. I find faith far more inspiring. What do you prefer to focus on in your journey?