When fear comes knocking...

"Scanxiety", the feeling of growing anxiety as the date of a medical test draws near, has a tendency to encroach on my peace if I'm not diligent about tending to my internal well-being.

After a lovely three month reprieve from tests, monitoring and appointments, next week I’m heading back in for a hefty combo: bloods, CT scan and a bone marrow biopsy.  Although I still have a few months of treatment to go, this is the “final verdict” set of tests, scheduled to determine how successful my treatment regime has been.  How deeply has it worked in the hidden places of my being?  Am I in “complete response”?  How many or few cancerous cells can still be counted in my blood?  Truth be told, it is quite daunting to face this.  It does feel like I’m about to take the stand and have a judge read out my life sentence.  Do I get five years or two?  Ten or one? 

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

Over the last few weeks, as the clock has ticked down to this appointment, I have felt apprehension building.  I recognise it more acutely this time, because, for a short blessed period, the dread was been almost absent; I have enjoyed a time of respite, of living free from that little voice of uncertainty scratching incessantly under my skin. 

The Wrestle

But it came back with a roar.  Literally, one day recently, I was having an afternoon nap when I was woken by an urgent, aggressive roaring in my ear as I was simultaneously jolted by something electric smashing into my stomach.  Fear.  Belting out violent threats of death and destruction.  I’m familiar with it’s unrelentingly cruel hard stare, it’s hideous life draining presence. Since it slammed into my world, unwelcome and uninvited, I’ve felt like my mental well-being has been locked in a feisty wrestle.  

On one side, peace, my valued champion has been fighting hard to hold ground, while on the other side fear leans in, merciless and menacing, straining heavily down, aiming to gain another inch.  It’s been a weighty few weeks as this wrestle has played out in my thought life each day.

Over the last two years of this cancer journey, I’ve talked to other people who experience this wrestle with scanxiety.  Some hold their ground, while others become overwhelmed by anxious thoughts, plagued by fear, held captive by concern.  I’ve been there too and it’s a miserable existence.  Not just for me, but for my whole family.  When the vortex of despair threatens, it sucks in anything and anyone in close proximity.  My husband and children start feeling the thrashing flicks of fire that whip out unexpectedly.  My short, taunt responses.  My lackluster energy.  My simmering angst.  With life stunted already, I cannot afford to let apprehension or fear steal any more of my time from me or my family.

Determined to Thrive

As I can’t do anything about the external threat I face, my only option is to focus on the battleground over my internal well-being.  And this time I’m consciously determined to find ways to thrive, to live in joy, hope and freedom despite the circumstances I face.  I believe it is possible to abide in peace even while surrounded by the most raging, wild, catastrophic storm.  I’m sure you’re familiar with stories of people who face terrible atrocities and circumstances yet their internal reality looks exceedingly different from their external reality.  Our history books are full of them.  Theirs are the stories of courage, resilience and overcoming that we write books and make movies about.  I’m currently reading one by an inspirational guy, Nick Vujicic, who was born without arms or legs, yet has and shares an absolute passion for life.  Although he cannot walk, he stands strong with astounding and infectious courage and positivity.

As I walk towards my verdict appointment, I’m finding ways to tend to the health of my heart, to stand in courage and walk in peace.  I’d like to share a few of them, so that when you too find yourself surrounded by a world of potential dread and despair, you have some bread crumbs to follow...

Incline my ear

This morning I wrote the word “fear” in the sand.  Determined to face it, then erase it. I noticed that fear contains the word “ear” and realised that fear comes from where we face our ear.  If we give our ear to the thoughts of anxiety, worry, concern, doubt, harm, hurts, uncertainty, darkness, then we give fear a captive audience.  If we incline our ear to hope, to “hear” thoughts of life, health, goodness, blessing, wholeness, thankfulness, gratitude, rest, then we will walk in peace.  When we face a dark valley full of fears, we have two choices aye? Get caught up in the deep darkness, or seek out the light. I want to always be known as a light seeker. I’ve made a list of promises that bring my heart hope and choose to repeat them over myself, until my internal reality lines up with the hope I want to experience. 

Relieving stress points

Being in touch with my feelings of vulnerability and apprehension means I’ve been able to communicate them to close friends and family and ask for their prayers and support.  It’s a way to release some of the pressure that’s building.  For example, I’m likely to get my bone marrow biopsy results about a week before Christmas.  I’ve already identified that’s likely to be a week full of high emotion for me and asked my husband to step into family conversations around Christmas logistics and food, knowing I might be a bit on edge.  Relieving stress points is key to walking in peace.

A horizon of hope

Summer is bursting in New Zealand and with it come the summer holidays.  I’ve tried to be intentional about putting things in the calendar that I can look forward to. Having activities on the horizon that inspire hope and joy keeps my head held high with anticipation rather than apprehension.

Sleeping

I find in times of stress, my body’s natural response is to sleep.  I know for some people stress keeps them awake at night, but for me, I genuinely need more sleep.  Even afternoon naps.  Not every day can I sneak away for an extra kip, but when I can, I do. Anton is really supportive in the late afternoons or weekends, making space for me to slip away to catch some zzz’s.   Sleep gives me a mental break from the constant environmental scanning for threats.  Sleep is restorative and healing.  Sleep says, I value myself, I value rest.

Firm foundation

This week, I have sought out every Bible verse that declares “do not fear”, alternatively translated “do not yield to fear” or “do not surrender to fear.”  Each time someone is encouraged not to fear, it is coupled with a powerful promise from God. 

“I will not leave you, I am with you, I hear you, I will help you, I will protect you, I will save you, I will fight for you, I will go ahead of you, I will remove your burden, I have called you by name, you are chosen.” 

Knowing I am not alone, that I am loved, that I am upheld, provides me with strength, courage and a firm foundation plant my feet on. 

Pursue Peace

And you know what? Although fear stomps around the perimeter, yelling threats and trying to make a scene, with my heart firming fixed on pursuing peace, I can honestly say all is well; I’m ready to head into those tests. Please continue to pray for me and for amazing results from this treatment, your care means a lot!

Courage, Love and Legacy | Points to Ponder

The opposite of courage is discourage.  For courage to disappear, to run out on us, leaving us afraid and vulnerable.  When we face external threats we need to be infused with courage, encouraged, to prevent being overwhelmed.  My hope is that my musings encourage you today.  If I can face this desperate journey, with peace, hope and even joy, if I can discover contentment on the edge of eternity, you too can discover internal well-being regardless of what fears you must face.

• Do my descriptions of the threat of being overwhelmed by fear and apprehension ring true for / resonate with you?  Have you ever found yourself in that raging wrestle for peace?  What did if feel like for you?

• How do you usually respond to external threats?

• What truths have you found that help you build up your internal strength, courage and resilience?

Be blessed with Courage, Love and Legacy

Kylie